You get caught in the same haze. It’s so hollywood-movie, so very normal. I’ve been here before, and it seems these days I walk in circles. No pretensions of a superficial Return with a capital ‘R’, surely. Just jaundiced mummery reaching for some certainty in the everyday.

Something luthien said struck me as being completely true: “this is what this job can do to you. all your perspectives turn hayewire. but you know what the worst consequence of this job? overt self-importance. you think you’re invincible (quite honestly, you’re quite invincible to a certain extent), you think you rule.”


We both know what we do in our own Real Lives, and the more I think about what she said, the more I tend to agree with it. You do become powerful in my job. I’m being completely honest, not blowing my own trumpet here. No one knows me, no one’s going to pat my back, so what the fuck, right? So let me be honest. You do become immensely powerful, because, I’ve realized, you find yourself becoming an enabler, at least in my job. I’ve always believed it’s not really about what you know, it’s more important that you know where to look.

The same applies in my line of work. You are forced to know how to look, and in more ways than one. But more, it’s more than that. It’s not power to affect things in your office, or power to affect things with your clients, no. It’s power you feel welling up in you, a kind of primal force.

Before you think I’m doing a Swifty (hey, sounds catchy :) ), what I mean is the kind of freedom you feel when you realize you’re capable of doing anything — and I don’t just mean this in a positive way. I mean, the kind of unambiguous, untainted freedom to act as you please. The potential to cause real harm. The potential to affect anything. I could destroy a client’s life right now if I wanted to (and, what I fear is: I really want to).

I tend to think I have some hold over my own actions, that I have a sense of propriety, some sense of right and wrong my mother and father instilled in me. But I’ve been discovering all of this as I get pushed closer and closer to the edge. A dear friend told me: “you’ve got to get out”, to paraphrase. But I’m not sure if I want to. Isn’t that crazy? I’m not sure if I want to. The past two days I was pushed right to the edge of the envelope. I was ready to hurt someone, and not just with words, my usual resort.

I felt murderous and I didn’t like it. But it’s times like these when you feel the most free, don’t you? Your choices boil down to a stark few: act or do not act; speak or do not speak. And then you clearly, clearly, understand your choices. You begin to realize what those who have come before you have experienced, you begin to understand how they maintain their calm exterior. They are made of steel, and I mean real, no-shitter, steel. When push comes to shove, my bosses are implacable spartans in every fucking regard. Do or do not do, die or do not die, act or do not act. If you don’t act, fuck off. I will do it.

I’m always in awe of such will, such determination. And I see it in my boss/friend when he’s pushed to the edge.

My job’s very adversarial, and some may have guessed from my previous posts (ha. haha. ha.). It’s not glamourous, but the levels of excitement are really high. I spoke to another friend a few days ago. I said to her: “I’m sick of this job. I’m sick of it because I always see the worst in people. The absolute worst, no matter how nice that person is when not under duress”.

There’s always a price to pay, though, isn’t there?

I think I have it sometimes. I think I flail about at the edges of an answer to everything at times. The answer to everything. And when I finally fail, I never fail to smile and shake my head. Pipe dreams, I would think to myself.